


Left Behind

by Aviss



Series: In the North - scenes not shown [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Spoilers, episode s804
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 02:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18730195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aviss/pseuds/Aviss
Summary: By the time Brienne goes back to her room, alone and exhausted, she has no more tears to shed but can't seem to sleep.





	Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> This is how not happy I am with this episode. I can't believe they did this. It does fit After Reunion and Silver, though, so I fixed it for myself a bit.  
> I don't usually tag except for spoilers, but you can find more specific tags at the end for content.

She cries the first night. 

After he's gone, Brienne goes back to their room, her room now, closes the door and collapses on the bed, still warm and smelling like him, and lets the grief come. She sobs, noisily and undignified, and wonders if there was anything she could have done for Jaime to stay with her, to choose her. 

She can't believe the past weeks of companionship and love were a lie, can't believe his kisses and touches were meant for someone else, that she was so wrong about him. But he's left, gone back to die with his sister instead of staying to live with her, and she can't trust him anymore.

The next morning she doesn't need to say anything, her red-rimmed eyes and his glaring absence by her side say everything Lady Sansa needs to know. At least Sansa spares her the questions and platitudes, simply putting her to work in the castle's new defences and the rebuild of Winterfell. 

By the time Brienne goes back to her room, alone and exhausted, she has no more tears to shed but can't seem to sleep. 

She closes her eyes and tries to think about anything else, anything but Jaime, but his shadow is everywhere in the room. He's in the bed where they made love and the table where they ate when they weren't feeling like joining the rest of the castle. He's sitting by the fireplace, where he told her stories of his times as a squire for Lord Cakehall and she regaled him with tales of Tarth. He's by the door, where he pressed her one day after a very spirited sparring session, kissing her like he needed her to breathe. 

She can't understand how that man, the same man that made love to her so tenderly, could have also hurt her so cruelly. 

But she can't cry anymore. 

She doesn't cry when the news from Kings Landing start arriving again. Missandei is dead and Tyrion is imprisoned, and the armies of the North have arrived but they're lacking the strength to fight the Golden Company. 

There is no word about Jaime, and she doesn't think there will be, not if he's back where he belongs, with his sister. 

So she helps train the people who stayed and counsels Lady Sansa, spars with Pod, and avoids thinking of Jaime until it's night and she can think of nothing else. She knows she looks terrible, gaunt and pale and hollow-eyed; she can't sleep or stomach food, the smell of it making her sick, but it will pass. Even this grief will pass, she knows, she just needs time. 

"When was the last time you bled, Lady Brienne?" Sansa asks her one morning, her eyes concerned at the nausea Brienne has been unable to hide while breaking their fast.

She frowns, uncomprehending. "What do you mean?"

Sansa stares at her with a frown of her own. "Your moon blood, Lady Brienne," she clarifies, speaking carefully as if to a scared child. 

It takes her a few heartbeats to realize what Sansa is really asking her, and then there is nothing but white noise in her head. Brienne doesn't know, she has never paid much attention to it because she didn't need to, but that was before Jaime. She can't remember exactly but it was before the battle, two moons ago, and she feels her eyes going wide as a fresh wave of nausea takes her. 

It can't be. Not this.

"Excuse us," Lady Sansa says to the few people gathered and takes Brienne away from the hall and into her rooms. "Call the Maester," she says to a serving girl, and then closes the door and makes Brienne sit down in front of her fireplace. 

She endures the examination and hears Lady Sansa and the Maester speaking, but can't understand a word they're saying, her entire being frozen in shock. She's aware she's _gone away inside_ like Jaime used to do when the reality of what was happening around him was too terrible to contemplate. She's always believed she would never be a mother, but if by some miracle she ever did, she would be happy about it. She can't feel happiness now. She can't feel anything. 

"I'm so sorry, Brienne," Sansa says, calling her back to the present. She has something in her hand, a small vial, and she passes it to her. "I'd hoped better for you, but Lannisters are liars and oathbreakers. You can't trust them."

Brienne looks at the vial in her hand. _Tansy_. She's never had need of it, but she knows what it is and what is used for. She closes her eyes, feeling the sting of tears she can't allow to fall. She's already cried for this too much.

"It is your choice," Sansa says, taking Brienne's other hand and squeezing it softly. 

She nods and stands, feeling like she can't breathe inside. She needs air and she needs to think, but can't do it with Sansa's eyes on her.

She goes to the Godswood, the one place most people in Winterfell avoid so she can be alone, but Bran is already there. 

"I'm sorry, my Lord," she says and takes a step back, intent to leave. 

" _He knew_ ," Bran says instead, and Brienne freezes. "He had to leave because he knew."

She turns to him again, her eyes wide and shocked. "What did he know?"

"He knew that if the war for Kings Landing is lost your son would never be born, he knew you would never agree to let him ride south on his own, and he knew he would die there but wanted you to stay safe here, so he had to make you stay."

"How could he know?" Brienne asks, suspicious. She hadn't felt sick after a few days after Jaime left, he had no reason to believe she was with child. 

"He knows because I told him," Bran admits in that unnerving calm way of him as if admitting to his part in destroying the best thing she's ever had makes no difference to him. He's sent Jaime to his death, and he doesn't care. "I told him he still had a play to part."

" _Why_?" Why not tell her, why not let her know as well so she could ride with him. Why let him hurt her, let her believe he had betrayed her. She can't understand how could anyone be so unfeeling, even if he was taking his revenge in Jaime for his past misdeeds, Brienne is the one hurting the most with those actions.

"Because he does, he needs to play his part, and he needed to believe it would be his last." Bran looks at her and tilts his head to the side. "It's not. You don't need to drink that, your son won't be a bastard or grow without a father."

"What do you mean?" 

This conversation is giving her whiplash, and Brienne wants nothing more than to go back to her room, close her eyes and make it be that night again, before the battle, when everything was simple and they were all convinced they would die in the morning. Before she had the courage to kiss him.

"You should go back to Tarth," Bran says, his eyes filming white for a second. "It all will be over tomorrow, and Ser Jaime will be sailing to Tarth as well, ready to beg for your forgiveness and your hand when you arrive." When he looks at her again it's the first time Brienne sees something resembling an emotion on his face, faint and brief as it is, he appears amused. "Let him grovel for a while, he deserves it."

Brienne takes a breath and discovers she can cry again, after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Unplanned pregnancy, discussions of abortions (well, not actually discussed but heavily implied)


End file.
